


To See One's Legacy

by Razail



Category: Fate/Grand Order, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Multi, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, ship can be viewed as platonic, solomon spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-02
Updated: 2019-02-02
Packaged: 2019-10-18 17:04:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17584829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Razail/pseuds/Razail
Summary: Grief not only affects the individual but the ones around them as well.





	1. When the Levee Breaks

It takes time for signs of grief to start showing through the cracks. The soon to be formerly known as last master of chaldea was good at hiding things like this. Although a particular saber began to notice the small things. Grabbing a second sweet treat from the mess hall only to give it to the staff that looks the most worn out in the command center. The way their eyes lit up and turned to the direction of the coffin’s command console. Each time they began to start the process of rayshifting they turn back and start to make a quip in the direction of where the doctor once stood only to find the knowing eyes of Da Vinci staring back. None of those teasing quips aimed at making the doctor’s face red. The both of them play it off brilliantly a simple ‘Da Vinci chan I expect only the warmest of hugs when I get back!’ and always with the reply ‘Only for you my dear~’. Chaldea's genius always willing to play the part in keeping them together.

It wasn't long after the master dismissed themselves after a simple mission chain that the purple haired saber rushed after them. A slip up accidentally calling for the doctor on coms, some of the servants pretended not to hear a few stared off to the side sympathetically. Since that moment the smile of the normally peppy master didn’t quite reach their eyes. Humanity saved from incineration but at the cost of a friend who's been there for them from the beginning. The knight wasn't there from the start but the both of them have still been through so much together to the point it was hard finding one without the other near. He's helped them through four singularities and even faced his shame in Camelot. Whether it's strength or being an unshakable pillar of fortitude he was there for them, they who accepted everything that he was. Whenever was a need for a saber they relied upon him and even when it wasn't they trusted him to be their ace. And now he believed they needed him more than ever. The fight may have been won but if the master can't recover from this last battle what good would he have done as their knight? 

As the lone master sat in their room their mind drifted far from the present. Flashes of the last singularity darting through their mind as they started forgetting where they actually are. Their chest constricted as they relived the horror, over and over until finally it settled on a point. They remembered the crumbling floor beneath them, shaking and rumbling so loud they could barely hear their own thoughts, much less Da Vinci. Their heart stopped as they remembered their hesitation on the run back to Chaldea. Why did they make it? The friends that they loved with their whole heart vanished in front of their own eyes. Mash, Roman…

They've had plenty of moments in their short life where they thought they were going to die why not make this the last along with them? Suddenly they could hear Da Vinci yelling in their ear to keep going, that they'll make it. Their legs exhausted, mana circuits almost all spent to the point of decay in their fingertips. But to be honest with themself what was the point? They don't remember who they were before all this. They’ll truly be alone at Chaldea, the servants will be gone. Having finished their quest why would they stay? Only a handful of staff remained and they could handle contact with the outside world and be able to properly revive the incapacitated masters, all of which are better magi than themself. After all of this did they really make it? Are they still themself after all this? Did they truly come out the other side for the best? Their life was already flashing before their eyes again. France, Rome, Okeanos, London, America, Camelot, Babylon. And yet as they stopped running-

The knock on the door drew a gasp from their lungs as their thoughts suddenly ceased, muscles taught and ready for an attack. “Master, I'm coming in.” Lancelot was expecting the blank stare that they get after singularities but found them also in a state of disarray. Uniform half torn off, hair clearly mussed with that stare of theirs wide with alarm but upon seeing the knight slowly began relaxing again. “Are you alright?” Lancelot grimaced at his own blunt words.

The mage carefully let out a small laugh testing their voice as they rubbed their eyes trying to ground themself again. For once they don't think they can pretend to be fine. “I don't think so, Lancelot. For once I actually don’t think I am.” The words felt like poison as they left their mouth with a laugh. How pathetic they felt to admit to weakness, it felt so wrong. They couldn’t afford weakness other than their own incompetence as a proper mage.

Yet with the confession the knight made no move forward. He knew they were beyond the point of needing to ask permission to approach but with their state being so fragile he was afraid that he might ruin them like he'd done for so many he has cared about. But there they sat, the arm that rested in a fist beside them slowly opening and turned up. The man dispersed his armor till only his civies remained and sat beside them arms resting on his knees. He froze as mage’s head lolled to the side resting on him, the contact bringing a sigh of relief.

“I-” They choked on their words. Closing their eyes they steadied themself, linking arms with their knight. “I stopped running.”

“I know.” He was watching over them in spirit form as they ran, not wanting to strain them anymore by keeping his physical form. But the moment they stood still so too did his dead heart. He rushed to manifest but was stopped by the magus of flowers. For once doing something good to help them, along with informing him that he's certain they'll make it. Trusting in the mage the saber watched as the girl that inherited his son's spirit reached out and pulled them through. Only then was his heart set at ease. “But you are still here and for that I'm thankful. I'd rather serve no one but you. To have someone trust in me again- I'm grateful that you are still here with me.”

“I'm sorry. I was being selfish. I didn't think about the fact that I'm a mage and have so many people to take care of. I just-”

“I know.” Of all people he would never judge them. “Although I would have hoped you opened up sooner- but I believe it was fine for you to be selfish. Or at the very least it was a natural reaction.” Their brow furrowed not liking the thought. “In a moment of grief you cannot think properly. With the weight of all that you went through you acted on instinct alone.” The words sank in heavily between the two of them. A mutual acknowledgement between the two. “As for now... taking the time to grieve is important but you cannot be lost in it. I shall remain by your side for as long as you'll have me. I will not allow you to fall to your own devices.” The conversation fell away as did the minutes that passed into hours of silence, the soft lull of Lancelot’s breathing calmed the mage’s nerves as they drifted into the first peaceful sleep since that fateful day.


	2. Chapter 2

The mage woke with a start, typical for just after a rayshift and yet they felt refreshed to a degree. If it wasn't for the terrible aching in their chest they might have believed it was a normal day. That they'd get dressed and meet everyone in the command room for the morning meeting. The only indication of that horrible day is the fact that they were still littered in bandages and bruises. Lancelot's blue cape was draped over them. When was the final singularity? Did that happen yesterday or was it last week? They breathed in deeply rubbing the sleep from their eyes. Being alone was a dangerous road. Without some sort of focus they repeat that day when they close their eyes. Over and over it was so easy to get lost. Losing Mash broke their heart and enraged them to the point of them nearly dying pointlessly by going to beat in Goetia's face themself. But Roman. Tears filled their eyes as they hanged their head, a choked sob as their mind started to drift to that moment. That look of acceptance when they saw him. The way how after he reclaimed his body he kept the form of his orange haired self when he looked at them. As if he was half ashamed, perhaps even half afraid that they, of all people, wouldn't accept him. That he needed to show that he was still himself despite reclaiming ‘Solomon’.

“At times like this I wish you were more open about what was on your mind. Would you like it talk about it?” Surprised they jolted with a start, eyes wide now as they didn’t even realized the man entered the room. Actually now that they look around it’s a lot cleaner than when they fell asleep, books put away and dirty dishes most likely back in the kitchen. Lancelot cleared his throat something he should have done when he entered. He took their silence to his knock as them still being asleep but to keep some semblance of a normal schedule he thought it best to wake them up before noon. 

“Uh-Pardon the intrusion, Master. To report, your schedule's cleared for the day, I made sure of it. If you want breakfast you need only ask.” The other servants’ concern about the schedule being cleared was only being held back by their knowledge of the master hating to be overwhelmed by so many people. Mash in particular hated how it was Lancelot that was able to approach them so casually. Although she knew that if she approached they'd put on a strong face and act same as always. So reluctantly she trusted Lancelot to get through to them. She knew that her senpai's trust wasn't misplaced despite his mistakes in his previous life.

Pulling his cloak tighter around themself they found themself at an impasse. He was right in that they couldn’t keep all this to themself anymore but they also didn't want to concern him with their problems and yet it was obvious he was already deeply concerned. But if there was anyone they wanted to tell it’d be him. “I had plans you know.” The knight raised his brow as they kept their gaze ahead of them. He never thought that they had such a plan but it made sense to want to plan for a future other than the incineration of humanity. 

“After all this he said he could be free to do whatever he wanted.” They recalled the nights where they shared coffee and cake. The sleep thick in his voice as he tried to stay awake to get the last report. They liked their late night talks, no one around interrupt their conversation and able to shamelessly indulge in Magi Mari concert videos on the big screen usually meant for pure rayshift business, huddled up under a blanket. Whispered words a little more honest from lack of sleep and the faint breathless giggles as if hiding from the world. A sigh escaped them, content in their memory. 

“He was looking forward to that and I thought that maybe it'd be fun to see what he wanted to do and asked if I could join him. When he asked why I just replied because I'll miss you. And at the end of all this I don't want to miss you so I thought I might just tag along. The look on his face was priceless!” A smile cracked onto their face and Lancelot couldn't help but share in their melancholic memory of the late doctor. “I didn't even know what the end would be like. I thought that you all would leave when the job was done. So going with him would mean still being around someone. Someone that knew what happened. Someone who’s seen the same horrors I have, or well most of them.” They surveyed their room hesitant to meet the saber's eyes, feeling exposed and vulnerable. “I'm glad that you guys stayed though. I don't think I could take it. I'd miss every single one of you. With just Mash and I- I wouldn’t know where to take my first step.”

A shaky breath and they adjusted themself once more, curling in on themself while Lancelot remains by the door to give them all the room they could need, ever trying to be understanding. “With the servants we meet in the singularities even if we ended things on the wrong foot, or they were killed I have a chance to meet them again. I have the chance to truly know them again. But Roman… well, he was human. When I found him hiding in my assigned room taking a break, I just thought ‘this idiot’!” The insult leaving their mouth with such exasperated affection as a smile split their face again, fondly remembering the man they cared for. “This idiot that just wanted to take a nap was one of two people that was kind to me in all of Chaldea. When I was ridiculed for being a worthless mage and sick to my stomach because of my first rayshift practice.” They laughed as tears filled their eyes. “Yeah, I really loved him from the start. It was so easy for him to become such a fixture in my life that it just felt that he always belonged there. I wanted to know him better, to be there for him as he was always there for me.” 

The emotions on their face withdrew for a moment as they thought. Fond memories drifting through the forefront of their mind as they came to their conclusion. “I guess the joke's on me though. I didn't know him at all. I knew Romani sure, to some degree at least is what I'd like to tell myself. I just wish he-” Another pause and strong sniffle to recompose themself for this final confession. “I just wish that we might've been able to meet under different circumstances, all of us. Maybe just as normal people. But then again it wouldn't have been the same would it?” A glance to where Lancelot stood as harsh laugh escaped them trying to gain back some sort of semblance of their normal self. “I’m sorry. I know it’s not good to look at what could have been. I just feel so lost. I don’t know what to do. Not after what I’ve been through, not after what I’ve seen or the choices I’ve had to make. I just feel so fake putting one foot in front of the other and pretending that I’m okay, pretending to know what I’m doing.”

A deep sigh over took the knight, he cared for them he truly did. It hurt him as it did when he was trying to find a way to help his king so fruitlessly. “When I killed Agravaine and betrayed my king and kingdom even further. I did what I could. I was lost and desperate but that was all I had. That is all that humans can do sometimes.” The knight closed the gap between the master and himself. Kneeling he gently took their hand in his own as he finally caught their gaze. “Do what you can to get through the day and get help when needed. We stayed because of you. Stayed for you. There is no one place else we would rather be than at your side. Let us help you like you have helped us. We know you mourn him. It is alright not to be fine immediately.” Lancelot held their gaze as he brought their hand closer encasing it in both of his. “I know how easy it can be to blame yourself for feeling as if you did not do enough to help someone you care about. To feel as if you failed them. But Roman would not want you to do that to yourself. He cared about your well being and happiness just as much you did his.”

It took time for them to be alright enough to realize the state they were in. The mage promised that they were well enough to go to the kitchen themself and eat, urging Lancelot to go ahead and they’ll catch up. The man didn’t want to leave but trusted that they were feeling better if they could think about food. With a fraction of weight off his shoulders he headed to the kitchen to find someone to assist in making a hearty meal for them. Meanwhile, they took their time in getting dressed for the day. Washing their face in cold water left them feeling refreshed and after a change in clothes and a quick once over in the mirror they headed out to the kitchen. 

It hurts to lose someone. Traces of him were littered everywhere in the lone compound built into the mountain. All ghosts of someone that was loved and lost, ever just out of reach. And yet they recall why they must survive. They are one of a handful of people who knows the full story. One of even fewer that witnessed it. So long as they live his story remains, their story remains. To see the future he helped shape and to truly one day be free.

* * *

They continued down the hall while gazing out the window. Passing a figure clad in white things became clear and they remembered the brief moment of release when they gave themselves to the void. Yet with the scent of flowers clarity came to them. Thoughts formed in their head not sure where exactly they came from or if they were even their own. All of this will right itself and no one will remember anything. No one but you knows what truly happened here. 

A lie, he'll know. But he isn't necessarily human, so does he truly count? He looked after Roman and now with a push of his words, he'll save them. He wanted a grand tale after all and maybe, just maybe he’ll admit he cared once again, for them at the very least. They just need to realize that the future they carved is worth seeing. With the scent of flowers will come understanding.

“It was you.” They turned to the grand caster, part incubus. It all made sense now. “You were the one that let me see things I shouldn't have. You see everything that happens, casting parts of it when I sleep.” Merlin remained silent, not denying it nor making a joke of it. “I don't know what to say. You helped him didn’t you? I thought it was weird that an idol was somehow still active but dismissed it as an anomaly. Roman was happy and it didn’t break reality so that was all that mattered.” Half human but unwilling to do what humans do best. “You said that you didn’t like endings that’s why you weren’t there. At his end. I needed you though so you kept fighting and helped even when I gave up-” 

Their voice cut out as they regained their composure. “Thank you.” They turned to see the grand caster's back still to them, face unseen. “I can only assume what happened to hurt you so much, but I hope I find you at the end of my story.” Merlin turned only when he heard their footsteps no longer. He liked to think that he could feel no emotions other than what he takes and yet for as long as he can remember he's run from all that could cause him to truly feel grief. It's been awhile since he's meddled in human affairs so greatly. Romani was the first since King Arthur, both he had managed to avoid their fated ends. And yet he had a feeling that he might have to see this story through till the very end.


End file.
